got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
ttyl tear gas
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
