Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
