I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
