final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
