he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
