I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
