he shaved USA in his pubs
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
