I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
