guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
