She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
