I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
