if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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