You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Success! We fucked roommates!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
