if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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