I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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