I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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