i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
