I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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