I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
