she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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