I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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