Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
