I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
