totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
