when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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