the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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