What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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