I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I want her autograph on my taint
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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