Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
