I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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