I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
