I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
