Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
