The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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