jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
