i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize