i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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