I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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