even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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