I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
