Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
