is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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