Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.