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So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
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