Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
