in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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