using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
