i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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