god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
