I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
