Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
