jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.