I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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