My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
