tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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