Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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