mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
