i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
