So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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