It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
zippers are such a cool invention
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
