Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
