so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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