things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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