My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
