Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
